Why are so many people reluctant to ask for help? In a recent LinkedIn poll, I asked members if they felt comfortable asking for help, and roughly 21% said no. So, what makes it difficult for people to ask for help? Let’s take a step back in time to elementary school to get an idea. Ryan (1998) found that kids were reluctant to ask for help in elementary school settings if they thought their ability was being measured. On the other hand, kids had an easier time asking for help when they perceived asking for help would affect their self-performance. This pattern of thinking remains in adulthood. And, just as it is for children, this may be due to our perceptions. If we perceive that asking for help will help our performance, we are more likely to ask for help. However, if we perceive that asking for help will mean someone will view us as needy, not well equipped to do a task, or incompetent, we aren’t likely to dip our toes into the help-seeking waters.
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Here’s what we know can help you harness the power of asking for help:
1. Frame your ask. If you frame your need as helping you to improve your performance or do something productive, this will help you ask for help. That is because you aren’t viewing yourself as needy or incompetent. You are, instead, looking to solve a problem or improve yourself or your situation. This is an important distinction to make. You want to see yourself as proactive. This provides a potential helper something specific to help you with.
2. People like to help people who ask for help. In most cases, people are eager to help others. This is why Volunteering, mentoring, and Philanthropy endeavors are so popular. The adage “tis better to give than to receive” is actually true. Giving to others is especially worthwhile when there is meaning and productivity attached to it.
3. Help others. When you help others, it gives you perspective on how it feels to give to others. Take note of how much enjoyment you get from helping a person solve a problem. Allow yourself to see “the other side” so you can see that you aren’t a burden, incompetent, or needy. You will likely be much better at asking if you’ve had the chance to give.
There are so many examples of the power of asking. One example was from the height of the COVID pandemic in Italy. Cristiano Galbiati, a Princeton physicist on Sabbatical in Sardinia, wanted to create a solution for hospitals in need of ventilators. He wanted to create one that would be open source and inexpensive. He asked for help from his friend, physicist Art McDonald, the 2015 Nobel Laureate. Art said yes. Then Art asked his friends. They said yes, and in the end, 150 researchers and engineers from nine countries said yes to helping out. Hardly any of them knew Cristiano and Art. They still said yes. This didn’t take long either — just weeks. If Cristiano thought others would see him as needy or incompetent, he wouldn’t have asked for help. Instead, he did ask for help, and his invention helped save thousands of lives around.
It doesn’t matter what age or level of ability a person has when asking for help. What matters is the intent. When asking for help, the key is to be solution-focused. Make sure your ask will solve a problem or further yourself, your work, or your agenda. And, most importantly, remember that most people want to help. They will be excited to see you succeed.
References
Ryan, A. M., Gheen, M. H., & Midgley, C. (1998). Why Do Some Students Avoid Asking for Help?: An Examination of the Interplay Among Students’ Academic Efficacy, Teachers’ Social-Emotional Role, and the Classroom Goal Structure. Journal of Educational Psychology, 90(3), 528–535. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-0663.90.3.528
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Originally Published on https://deborahheiserphd.substack.com/
