Moving a parent into assisted living is one of the most difficult decisions a Family will ever make. Whether it’s planned or happens in an emergency, most families feel unprepared: logistically, emotionally, and financially.
I’ve been through this three times with my own parents. Each move taught me something new about what to look for, what questions to ask, and how to advocate for quality care. Looking back, there are things I wish someone had told me before we started.
If you’re considering assisted living for a parent, or if you’ve just made the move, this guide will help you navigate what comes next.
I’ll never forget the night we moved my mom into assisted living.
We called it a “respite situation,” a polite way of saying “emergency.” She had fallen one too many times at home, despite having a full-time caregiver. What we didn’t expect was what the 911 dispatcher told us: this would be the last time they would come to take her to the hospital.
That was Christmas Day, 2012.
Fortunately, my sister and I had already toured assisted living communities, knowing this move was inevitable. We just didn’t think it would happen so soon. Or be so permanent.
We didn’t tell my mom she wasn’t coming home. We couldn’t say it out loud. But there was no going back.
My dad had progressing Parkinsonian dementia, but he was adamant: he wanted to stay home with his caregiver, even after Mom moved out.
Financially and logistically, it didn’t make sense to pay for in-home care and assisted living. So I tried to convince him.
“Dad, don’t you want to be with Mom?” I asked.
His answer wasn’t what I expected. He was perfectly comfortable at home without her.
Then I tried a different approach.
“Dad, you could have bacon there every morning.”
He paused. Turned toward me. Smiled.
“Every morning?”
That was it. We moved him into a suite with my mom later that week. Bacon saved the day.
We learned a lot about assisted living communities quickly, and unfortunately, much of it was concerning.
Yes, we had visited this place before. The building was beautiful. The location was convenient—only 10 minutes away. The rooms were first-class.
But what we began to learn was that the care was inconsistent at best. And nothing’s more important than that.
The executive director admitted they were short-staffed. We started noticing things: slow response times, unfamiliar faces, residents left waiting in their rooms for hours.
This is where we met Joe and Bella: two Holocaust survivors who inspired our company’s name. They immediately adopted my parents, eating every meal with them and becoming family. As we learned the ropes, I began advocating for them too. They gave back more than we ever could have imagined.
But this wasn’t my only experience choosing an assisted living community. We made two more moves in the next few years. The reasons weren’t always anticipated, but they were unavoidable.
Moving in and out of assisted living is not for the faint of heart. As one executive director explained, it takes at least two months for a resident to fully adjust to new surroundings.
Here are the three biggest lessons I learned—things I wish someone had told me before we started.
The executive director at the third and final community where we moved my mother gave me this tip herself: show up anytime, unannounced.
Just hearing her say it reflected her confidence in the community. And I took her up on it, multiple times.
Each time, the place was immaculate, organized, and well-staffed. That’s not what I saw at other communities.
Why this matters: Scheduled tours show you the best version of a community. Unannounced visits show you reality. You’ll see:
Action step: Visit at different times: morning, afternoon, evening, and weekends. Observe mealtimes, activity hours, and shift changes.
This means showing up at different times of day and evening. You want to observe and meet team members across all three shifts.
Pay attention to:
Why this matters: Temporary staffing agencies cost communities less (no benefits required), but they result in inconsistent care. Residents build trust with familiar caregivers. High turnover means your parent is constantly adjusting to new people.
At my parents’ first community, I learned the corporate owner was cutting pay and reducing full-time employees. There was an immediate, noticeable drop in care quality, including how long it took caregivers to respond when residents pressed their call buttons.
Nothing was more agonizing than getting a call from my mom telling me she was still in her room hours after wakeup because no one came to get her.
Action step: Ask the executive director:
Go there as often as you can. Get to know the leadership team, staff, and other families. Volunteer to help with community events or holiday gifts for employees.
Why this matters: If you develop these Relationships, you’ll learn how to advocate for your loved one more effectively. You’ll also be alerted in advance if there are changes that will affect care.
I quickly learned I wasn’t the only family member with concerns about staffing cuts and care quality. So, with the support of the executive director, I organized a family council: a platform for discussion, connection, and advocacy.
Family councils give families a voice in how the community is run. They create accountability and open communication between leadership and residents’ loved ones.
Action step: Ask if the community has a family council. If not, consider starting one.
Based on my experience with three different communities, here are warning signs to look out for:
Once your parent moves in, your job isn’t over. In fact, it’s just beginning.
Be present. Visit often and at different times. Your presence signals to staff that your parent has an active, engaged family.
Be persistent. If something isn’t right, speak up. Document concerns and follow up in writing.
Build relationships. Get to know staff by name. Thank them for good care. Bring treats occasionally. These small gestures build goodwill and keep your parent top-of-mind.
Stay informed. Attend family council meetings. Read newsletters. Ask questions about policy changes.
Trust your instincts. If something feels off, investigate. You know your parent best.
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, a community isn’t the right fit. Or circumstances change and your parent needs a different level of care.
Moving again is hard: on your parent and on you. But staying in the wrong place is worse.
Signs it might be time to move:
We moved my parents twice after the initial move. Each time was difficult, but ultimately necessary. And each time, we learned more about what to look for.
Moving a parent into assisted living is one of the hardest decisions a family makes. But being present, being persistent, and becoming part of the community around them makes a big difference.
Here’s what I want you to remember:
Your presence matters. Your advocacy matters. And your parent deserves the best care possible.
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About the Author
Peter Zollo is the co-founder of Joe & Bella, the first contemporary adaptive apparel brand for older adults. He spent nearly a decade caring for and advocating for both of his parents, and has spoken at state and national levels on standards of care in assisted-living and memory-care communities.
You can read more from Peter. Here are some additional learnings he gained after caring for his parents in assisted living.Â
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Originally Published on https://joeandbella.com/blogs/news
