So many people find it hard to move beyond surface-level conversations, even with loved ones. Here’s why this avoidant behaviour happens and how to move beyond it

Have you seen the BBC 2026 show Babies?

Nominally, the plot revolves around a young couple suffering pregnancy loss but a key theme in the show is the inability of people (usually men) to have open conversations — the sort of conversations that involve discussing their Emotions, sharing real opinions or broaching other difficult topics.

I devoured the show in 2 sittings this week and it left me with a difficult thing to admit: I too am one of those folk who often struggle to open up.

Just like the main character in the show, I tend to default to listening over speaking and then when I do speak I’m far more likely to offer practical advice or tell a joke than to be open about my feelings.

Are you like this too?

How good would you say you are at opening up about what’s really on your mind?

Not just once, not just with strangers, but opening up on a regular basis with a variety of people close to you and without the need for numerous prompts?

In my experience, this is something that many people struggle with; and even those who find it easy to be open will sooner or later come across a situation where they struggle to articulate their feelings.

Having recently started volunteering as a Samaritan, I’ve come to realise that in addition to people’s inability to open-up there is an increasingly large proportion of the population that simply have no-one to open up to — it’s becoming clear that loneliness is on the increase, people are becoming more fearful and it seems the growing proliferation of AI only adds to this.

Why does this happen?

The fact that I’m emotionally guarded isn’t a new realisation for me.

If I’m honest, I long ago realised it when breaking up from previous Relationships; I realised it when speaking to previously close friends; I realised it when I listen to clients tell me their deepest problems — for some reason my mind thinks that if I open up too much then something like this will happen.

The irony is that I am an expert in EQ, team dynamics, reading a room and getting teams to open up. I also am excellent at building new relationships, bringing people together and staying in touch with old acquaintances, yet I still have a default setting of being very guarded in how much I personally share [in some ways this helps me be as effective as I am in my work].

As with many people, there are a plethora of reasons why this is the case [believe me, I have spoken at length to my therapist about it].

Some are personality based reasons (e.g. you’re naturally more reserved, get anxious easily or are not in tune with your emotions), some are conditioned (e.g. you grew up in a culture where sharing was not valued or you have experienced times when it was penalised) and some are contextual (e.g. the situation doesn’t warrant it, you don’t feel safe enough to open up or you are focused on other things).

These reasons are compounded by not having enough regular, deeper conversations — a sure-fire solution to improve the situation.

The good and bad news is that, as shown in the series, it is possible to change this habit but it takes effort and support for this to happen.

As someone who constantly strives to be a better version of myself — I am actively working on bridging this gap, even if it seems scary, and the good news is that it is really making a difference.

How can you bridge the silence gap?

If you are guarded like me and want to get to a place that you can open up, then this is the approach to take:

1. Reframe why sharing is a good thing— many people who struggle to be open do this because of a narrative they carry around about it (e.g. “People who share are weak” or “Nobody wants to hear how I feel”, etc.). These are neither helpful nor true so learn to overcome them through reframing, gamification or any other technique
2. Calm your Anxiety around sharing more — realise that nobody knows about your history and most people aren’t really focused on you so you can share whatever you like
3. Be honest with yourself about how much this is a problem — self awareness is key so if you’re not sure ask those close to you about how frequently you do or don’t share and the impact it has
4. Learn to articulate to yourself how you are really feeling — try keeping a journal and writing down how different situations make you feel (even if the words are basic at first). It may also help to spend time observing others and trying to name the emotions and situations you see them going through; this is something I got to work on early in my career as a school teacher
5. Start small — it’s best not to dive into sharing your deepest feelings in a high-risk environment, instead share something small with someone who you feel safe with; this is where asking for help comes into its own and not being put off from saying what you want to say
6. Keep levelling up — as you get more comfortable, step up and challenge yourself to do it more frequently on deeper topics; this is a great time to experiment more

How can you help others bridge the silence gap?

Reserved people need support but I assure you, the phrase: “You can tell me anything.” is not going to magically make someone share their inner thoughts.

Undoubtedly one of the biggest helps for me in making improvements in this space is the support of some trusted friends; without them I don’t think I would be anywhere.

Not only do they provide unconditional support but they create the time and safe space to make it easier for me to share.

If you have someone in your life (be it in your friends, Family or workplace) then here is the playbook that works:

1. Make yourself available — one of the biggest challenges/get outs for reserved people is feeling that they don’t have anyone they can share with so remove this reason from their thinking. Small and regular conversations will always trump one giant outpouring
2. Signpost that you’d like them to share — not in an obligatory way but that you are open to discussing more than just superficial topics [trust me, reserved people are great at talking about activities over feelings] and that sharing doesn’t have to be anything big
3. Don’t necessarily take ”No” as an answer— Ask gentle, open but specific questions and don’t be afraid to rephrase and repeat to lead them to start sharing [reserved people are good about not getting into the details]
4. Make it more about listening rather than solving or giving an opinion — we all Love to feel like we’re helping but hold your tongue (as you will likely jump in too quickly and, even if you are right, it belittles the situation a bit). Instead, lead with empathetic responses and questions that elicit getting more out of them [“that sounds heavy… how did that make you feel?” is a great one]
5. Take some of the pressure out of the situation — maybe change the dynamic by sitting side-by-side rather than face-to-face or going for a walk instead of chatting sat down. Also make sure to avoid phrases that can come across as dismissive or may lead to closing down the conversation, instead look to help them name feelings if they are struggling
6. Lead by example but don’t make it about you — sometimes a little demonstration of being vulnerable is the sherpa we all need but be careful not to then suck up all the oxygen with your situation
7. Close off by making them feel special — thank them for sharing once they are done, give reassurance that you won’t be sharing what they told you any further and leave them with the feeling that you’d love for them to do it again

Ultimately it is a privilege to be someone that a person can open up with so don’t be offended if the levels of trust aren’t there yet. If that is the case, ask them who they would feel comfortable with and, longer term, work on building more psychological safety so it is easier next time.

Getting some traction

Whether you are a reserved individual or the friend of one, hopefully the above steps will help in one small shape or another.

Even if it doesn’t then, if nothing else, I still recommend you watch Babies — you won’t regret it.

And, if you are in doubt as to whether any of this applies then, simply ask yourself:

If someone close to me described how I’d been feeling over the past month, how accurate do I think they’d be?

If the answer is anything but accurate then you might want to go back and read this blog again.

Just remember: if this guy can do this, then you can open up just a little bit.

As ever, at your disposal if I can be of help 🙂

Faris

Faris is the CEO and Founder of Shiageto Consulting, an innovative consultancy that helps firms and individuals sharpen their effectiveness. Connect with him here

Success = IQ x EQ x FQ

Want to assess your levels of IQ, EQ and FQ? click here

Originally Published on https://farisaranki.medium.com/

Faris Aranki Strategy & Emotional Intelligence

Having spent over 20 years delivering strategic change for the corporate and non-corporate worlds, Faris has experienced first-hand the fine differences between strategic success and failure.
His work has spanned numerous companies (from global behemoths to small start-ups), in numerous countries, across a range of sectors, supporting them all to unlock strategic success.

He came to realize that often what hinders institutions from achieving their goals goes beyond the quality of their strategy; it is their ability to engage effectively with others at all levels and remove barriers in their way. This has led to his passion for improving strategic effectiveness within all businesses and individuals and the foundation of Shiageto Consulting.

Over time, Faris has worked to distill his knowledge of how to solve complex problems in a structured manner combined with his skill on engaging effectively with others and his ability to quickly determine the barriers to a strategy's success. This knowledge has formed the foundation of Shiageto’s workshops, courses and methodologies. Faris believes that any firm or team can adopt these improvements; all it requires is a little of the right support -something Shiageto provides!

On top of leading our business, Faris is now an accomplished speaker and contributor for a variety of outlets.