Do you go blank, get quiet, or feel like you've completely left your body the moment conflict shows up in your relationship? There's a reason that happens — and it has nothing to do with not caring.
In this solo episode, Todd digs into one of the most misunderstood patterns in long-term Relationships: shutting down during conflict. Whether you go still and silent or reach for your phone, the fridge, or anything else to escape the moment, Todd explains what's actually driving that response — and why blaming yourself or your partner for it keeps you stuck.
Drawing from his 30+ years working with couples, Todd breaks down how our earliest experiences with conflict — loud households, being shamed for speaking up, or learning that staying quiet was simply safer — wire a protective part of us that can still show up decades later, even when our partner isn't actually a threat.
Todd introduces two key protective patterns from Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy: the manager, who tries to smooth things over and avoid making things worse, and the firefighter, who numbs you out or pulls you into distraction the second things get too intense. Both are doing the same job — shielding a younger, wounded part of you that once learned that conflict meant something bad was about to happen.
The good news? Once you can recognize these protective parts with curiosity instead of frustration, you can start showing up in conflict as yourself — calm, present, and actually able to stay in the room.
Todd shares a real client story that illustrates how deep this goes, and walks you through what it looks and feels like to begin separating yourself from the part that hijacks you — so you can respond from a place of Clarity instead of running on autopilot.
If you've ever wondered why you or your partner shuts down, this episode gives you a grounded, honest look at what's happening beneath the surface — and what you can start doing differently.
Listen in and take that first step toward showing up more fully in your relationship.
If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives.
Check out my complete program “From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving” for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass
Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT
Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach. He provides relationship Coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach. (714) 848-2288.
You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at: https://toddcreager.com
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