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I sat down at a Starbucks to drink an iced tea on a scorching hot June day to finally write the blog that had been whirling around in my head since my 64th birthday at the beginning of the month. When my tea arrived on the counter with my name printed on it, I noticed that the barista had written something along the top of the cup. I put my glasses on and looked closer. It read, “Stay you!” I smiled to myself, as it seemed perfect for this moment. Yes, at 64, I think I’ll do just that!
I’m now at the age commemorated in the Beatles’ song, “When I’m Sixty-Four,” which I grew up singing to. It certainly has given me reason to pause and reflect on who this “me” is that I am now and how I have evolved.
Who any of us are at any point in our life is certainly influenced by our experiences, of which, at 64 years old, I’ve had many, some wonderful and some pretty heavy. All of them, the good and the difficult, have changed my perspective, and hopefully, they’ve also widened my perception while I’ve stayed true to the integrity of who I am.
The most recent and influential of my experiences have been those of being on the journey with each of my parents as they entered their final years. The lessons were both in their resilience as they faced life’s increasing challenges, as well as in having to fight for their dignity and even their healthcare, within the ageist healthcare and long-term care systems. These life passages taught me many lessons and forced me to embrace my own fortitude. In those years, my parents demonstrated how to value every moment of life. They modelled that for all who were fortunate to know them.
And I learned in my advocacy for my parents that I can truly be a force to be reckoned with. I’ve written about my mom’s resilience and the lessons she taught me about loving life in her later years in my blogs, for example, Lessons from Mom, and I’ve chronicled my journey through the ageist systems in advocating for her in Ageism in Healthcare, as well as the chapter I wrote about how to “Empower Yourself in an Ageist Healthcare System,” in the multi-author book, The Caregiver’s Advocate Volume 2.
About a week before my birthday, a guest blogger who often contributes articles to my website, Justin Black, asked if I would publish “Recognize Imposter Syndrome and Find Ways to Build Real Confidence.” In it, he wrote, “The core tension of imposter syndrome [is] persistent self-doubt challenges that turn normal learning curves into psychological barriers, even when the work is solid. The emotional impact can be exhausting.”
Justin indicated that this is a common experience among “high-achieving students, early-career professionals, and independent creators,” but I will add to this list that it often affects professional women, even after many years of experience and objective successes in their fields. I wrote about this phenomenon in my book, The Passionate Life: “I recently attended a women’s networking group,” I shared. “One of the issues that came up for discussion was the tendency for us, as women, to doubt ourselves and our abilities, even when we receive objective feedback that we’re very competent.”
When I penned that chapter, I had recently turned fifty, and I felt that the benefit of my age and many years of experience in my field was that I was finally feeling more confident, but I also said, “The fact that I am a woman at midlife often leads to situations in which this confidence still is shaken.”
So, on the eve of turning 64, when I participated in a women’s group meeting with women over fifty (many of us were actually over sixty), we were asked about some of the benefits of our age. I realized at that moment, at this point in my life, my confidence is no longer shaken the way it was even at age fifty. It occurred to me that I am at a stage in my life when I don’t care as much about how others view me.
It also came to me like an epiphany that I no longer feel like an “imposter” in my professional life. And, what’s even more of a relief is that I recognize my own abilities in my profession – and it’s about time after all of these years.
I very much enjoy having good friends and associates, but I no longer hang my self-worth on the opinions of others. Worrying about what others think is truly a waste of valuable time…time that is not unlimited.
If I’m being authentic and it’s seen in a negative way by another, then, perhaps, I’m just not their “cup of tea,” and they’re not mine. After watching each of my parents become more joyful as they got older, while caring less and less about criticism, especially criticisms about how they were devoted to helping others, and more and more about enjoying each moment, and spending their precious time with those who appreciated them, I have learned what’s most important in life.
So, at 64, in spite of the stresses that come with Aging, including changes in my own body, it’s liberating to finally find myself coming fully into who I truly am and to embrace who I am, joyfully.
I wish I had been able to realize my worth and embrace my self-confidence much sooner, but I think this is how the journey of life is supposed to unfold and, if we’re open to it, we can continue to evolve after years of paying our dues and learning our lessons, knowing there are likely more lessons ahead.
In her book, Becoming, Michelle Obama wrote, “For me, becoming isn’t about arriving somewhere or achieving a certain aim. I see it instead as forward motion, a means of evolving, a way to reach continuously toward a better self. The journey doesn’t end.”
I expect I’ll keep hearing that Beatles tune in my head, while I continue becoming and celebrate the shedding of my worries about how I might appear to others, focusing on polishing my inner self, being mindful of the value of each moment I am given, and putting more energy into my passions, including my passion for helping others enjoy more dignity in their own lives. Happy 64th birthday to me – and to many more!
You can read similar blogs by Dr. Mara at her website, where you can also listen to her internet radio show, now also on Apple Podcasts. Check out Dr. Mara’s book: The Passionate Life: Creating Vitality & Joy at Any Age and her chapter (Chapter 18), Empower Yourself in an Ageist Healthcare System: How to More Effectively Advocate For Your Loved One, in the new bestselling book, The Caregiver’s Advocate: A Complete Guide to Support and Resources, Volume 2, now available on Amazon.
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Originally Published on https://drmarakarpel.com/
