Have you ever wondered why someone who's having an affair can still feel profoundly alone?
In this episode, Todd Creager continues his series on how cheating cheats the cheater — and this time he looks at one of the deepest costs of infidelity: the loss of authentic Intimacy. Using the Internal Family Systems (IFS) framework, Todd explains why keeping a secret doesn't just strain a relationship. It cuts the person having the affair off from the one thing that actually heals loneliness — being truly known.
At the heart of IFS is a simple but important idea: we are all made of parts. Some of those parts carry old wounds — messages like “I'm not good enough” or “I'm not safe” — picked up through childhood, family dynamics, and life experience. Protective parts form around those wounds to keep us functioning. But when someone operates from a secret, hidden part — the part running the affair — they can no longer show up as their whole self. And without that, there's no real intimacy. The affair partner may feel connected to them, but they're only connecting with a fragment. Not the full person.
Todd draws on his book The Long Hot Marriage, published in 2008, to talk about the qualities of genuine connection — many of which align closely with what IFS calls the Eight C's of the Self: curiosity, compassion, Clarity, and the rest. These aren't abstract concepts. They're what becomes possible when someone stops hiding and starts doing the real work of looking inward.
He also touches on something that gets overlooked in conversations about infidelity — the role society plays. Marriage and committed Relationships have, in many ways, conditioned people to hide the parts of themselves that feel messy, broken, or less than perfect. That cultural pressure makes authentic intimacy harder for everyone, not just those who have cheated.
The good news? That capacity to connect — truly and fully — is already inside you. It doesn't have to stay buried.
If you're ready to stop living from a protected place and start building the kind of relationship where you actually feel seen, Todd's approach gives you a real path forward. Learn more at toddcreager.com.
“Making the world safe for Love.”
If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives.
Check out my complete program “From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving” for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass
Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT
Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach. He provides relationship Coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach. (714) 848-2288.
You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at: https://toddcreager.com
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