By Jerry Zezima The most alarming thing about being home alone, aside from being cast in a geezer version of the famous Macaulay Culkin movie, is setting off the house alarm and having to tell my wife, Sue, who left me home alone, that I could have been arrested for being in our own house. […]
By Jerry Zezima It’s a good thing I’m not a business magnate because I couldn’t sell refrigerators in Death Valley. If I could, I’d be a refrigerator magnate. But it turns out that I can sell peppermint pretzels and mint truffles. And I did, in astonishing amounts, when I recently worked for two days as […]
By Jerry Zezima Laughter, goes an old saying, is the best medicine. And, I would add, because I’m old myself, the cheapest. It was the prescription for a smooth transition from my old doctor, who always told me jokes but is now retiring, to my new physician, who not only has an excellent sense of […]
By Jerry Zezima Here is today’s test in basic arithmetic: If you had two grade schoolers and one college graduate who happens to be the kids’ grandfather, and you gave each of them a math quiz, how many would flunk? Answer: One. If, for extra credit, you guessed the dummy was me, go to the […]
By Jerry Zezima Refrigerators leave me cold. That’s because I can seldom find what I want to eat. After moving around all the contents so I can locate the pickles or the pork chops or whatever I am looking for, I have to ask my wife, Sue, where the heck (not my exact phrasing) that […]
By Jerry Zezima If the shoe fits, let someone else wear it. That’s my motto now that I have donated four pairs of clodhoppers to my granddaughters’ school fundraiser. Usually, fundraisers are held so parents and grandparents can shell out the equivalent of a mortgage payment for items like candy, games, wrapping paper, Tupperware, microwave […]
By Jerry Zezima My wife’s car is for the birds. So I took it to a car wash. Sue asked me to take care of business after a fouling flock that nests in a big oak whose branches overhang the driveway did its business all over her previously pristine vehicle. That’s how I ended up […]
By Jerry Zezima When I think of the dogs I’ve had in my life — my boyhood pooch, Daisy; my adulthood companion, Lizzie; and my granddog, Maggie — the thing I remember best is that they were always happy to see me. And they proved it by barking excitedly and slobbering all over my pants. […]
By Jerry Zezima My grandchildren are the apples of my eye. So it was only fitting that I was hit in the eye by a falling fruit while apple picking with the kiddies. Chloe, 9, and her sister, Lilly, almost 6, witnessed the senseless attack, which occurred during an otherwise pleasant visit to a farm […]
By Jerry Zezima Of all the memorable things that happened during our granddaughters’ first sleepover in two years — getting vanilla frosting all over the kitchen table after making cupcakes, almost freezing to death in an inflatable pool that promptly deflated, and eating charred popcorn while watching “Encanto” for the 87th time — the one […]
