When speaking with a person who has recently lost a loved one to a long illness, I often hear them say “I’m just relieved that she’s gone.”

And this statement is almost certainly followed with something like: “It’s just that she was suffering for such a long time. I Love my mom, but for those last few years she wasn’t herself. She had no quality of life and I know she would not have wanted to live that way.…”

The fact is that relief is a complicated emotion when coupled with grieving.

Even people who have the ability to express relief out loud can’t do so without explaining how they could feel “relieved” that someone they love has died.

Watching someone we love get diagnosed with a disease, suffer with its symptoms and ultimately die is one of the most traumatic things we can experience.

As we watch a loved one lose every fundamental ability during an especially long illness, we may find ourselves wishing it would end.

And why is this “guilt of relief” such a strange concept? When we struggled at other points in our lives, didn’t we find we could freely express that we wanted the struggle to be over? Wasn’t voicing our relief almost always acceptable?

Understanding the Guilt of Relief

Finding relief on the other side of loss is nothing to feel guilty about, and certainly not something that should require an explanation.

Yet the guilt this conflict leaves is something few people find they are able to shake.

While so few parts of the grieving process could ever be considered simple, in this case a subtle shift in perspective could be what makes the difference.

When speaking to someone who reluctantly admits feeling this “guilt of relief” following the loss of a loved one, I offer one simple idea:

“You are not relieved that your loved one has died. You are relieved that a time in your life marked by Stress, uncertainty and suffering is now over.”

Give it a try. See if this change in perspective can make a difference. Don’t make this process any harder than it has to be and let yourself off the hook when you can. You have been through one of the most difficult and challenging experiences a person can endure. If you are able to feel even a small sense of relief, it is not something to hide, but to embrace.

And remember that you aren’t alone in your Grief, or in experiencing your guilt of relief. Our forums offer you a place to see and share stories of grieving with people who have gone through losses of their own.

There’s even a section called Life After Caregiving. If you feel like you can’t say the things you feel out loud, start there. Share your experience with those who have been where you’ve been.

Kelly Daugherty The GRIEF Ladies

The GRIEF Ladies grew from decades of clinical work, community building, and lived experience. It isn’t a checklist to “get over it.” It’s a path you can re-enter on the hardest days and the ordinary ones.

Kelly Daugherty from Center for Informed Grief and Karyn Arnold of Grief in Common first connected when Kelly was leading a collaborative grief book project and posted in a Facebook group looking for authors. Karyn responded, and from their very first conversation, the connection was instant. They discovered a shared passion for supporting grieving individuals and striking similarities in their approaches and professional paths. Both had worked in hospice, and both believed that there are practical tools that can truly help support someone on their grief journey.

That first book became The Grief Experience: Tools for Acceptance, Resilience, and Connection. From there, their collaboration grew naturally. What began with one project has blossomed into an ongoing partnership including building frameworks, workshops, and now the GRIEF Ladies Podcast to help others navigate life after loss with honesty and hope. Sign up for their newsletter to stay informed about their future ventures!

Karyn Arnold has served grievers for 25+ years as a facilitator, educator, and the founder of Grief in Common, an online community that connects people by shared experiences of loss. With a background in psychology and mind–body work, Karyn blends evidence-informed practice with simple daily actions that help people steady themselves and find support. She has guided thousands of grievers through groups, workshops, and online programs, and partners with clinicians and organizations to make grief resources easier to find and use.

Kelly Daugherty, LCSW-R, FT, BCC, is a clinician, educator, board-certified coach, and founder of the Center for Informed Grief in Malta, NY. A Fellow in Thanatology, Kelly has worked with individuals and families across hospice, schools, and private practice for over two decades. Her commitment to grief work began after her mother’s death during Kelly’s teen years, shaping a career focused on practical, compassionate support. Kelly develops trainings for educators and mental-health professionals, consults with schools on grief-informed practices, and leads community programs that normalize grief while teaching concrete skills. She believes accessible, plain-language tools can change how communities show up for one another.