“WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?”

I was nine years old and living in Jamaica, Queens. I was standing behind my mother and listening to our neighbors discussing the African American family who had purchased the brown shingled ranch house on the corner.

“What are we going to do?”

I understood that they were not discussing what to bake for a welcome gift.

I had heard my mother explain that my parents, my brother and I had left their Park Slope, Brooklyn neighborhood because the area “had changed.” Real Estate agents had come through the area, and had warned everyone that bad days were coming and that they would regret it if they didn’t leave. My parents believed them and moved to a Queens neighborhood that felt safe and detached from “The City” in both distance and environment.

The neighbors words shocked me and disrupted my perceptions of the people I loved as “adopted’ aunts and grandmothers. They were the same women who were kind and gentle with me and who expressed concern when someone was sick or died. They were the same women who had experienced poverty, war, and loss and felt unwelcomed when they arrived in their new country. I had learned these facts from listening to their stories.

“What are we going to do about them?” had shaken me. “What happened to ‘Love thy neighbor’?” and “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you? Why were are new neighbors excluded from these sentiments?”

I knew my neighbors went to their to their respective Roman Catholic and Lutheran churches and synagogues every week. Every week I saw them walk to the local beauty parlor so they could turn their grey hair into tight silvery blue curls so they could prepare for their weekly appearance and talk with God.

Fortunately, nothing terrible was ever done. But no positive efforts were made either. No cakes were brought to the door. No invites were extended to join the others on their front stoops. All I gave when I passed the owners was a smile and a wave.

This ten-minute interaction cut through my sense of safety and Security and changed how I viewed my block. Their words continued to play through my mind every time I walked past the well-kept brown shingled house. The conversation taught me how people think when their sense of safety is threatened, whether their fears are well-founded or not. It taught me that hate is always waiting nearby for an opportunity to do its work. The neighbors had helped hate by:

• Not taking the opportunity to meet the new neighbors and get to know them as people.
• Using their time to conjecture “what ifs” and gossip.
• Neglecting to compare their words against their values.

Perhaps I am wrong in this regard. Perhaps, in the quiet of their homes, they had reconsidered the implications of their words. But staying quiet and not harming the property wasn’t enough. The neighbors could have made more effort to be kind. We could have been “bettah” (better).

What questions can we ask ourselves every day?

• How are my fears allowing hate to thrive?
• What do I have in my control?
• What actions can I take?
• What is the cost of not speaking up or taking positive and immediate action?

What can we do when we are having conversations?

• Pay attention.
• Speak up when we hear dismissive or hateful language.
• Use curiosity questions to gain context.
• Don’t “put the other person down” or argue when you question the view point or the
• validity of their information sources.
• Query the information sources using phrases like
  • “I would like to share that I had a different experience”
  • “This is how I experienced this person or persons.” or
  • “Would you consider taking a look at an article, etc., and share other sources of information?”
• Call on them to be their better selves and say, “All this hate and anger does not help or suit you.”
• Try to remember that behind every angry, hate-filled comment hides a painful experience.
• Be kind .
• Listen.
• Take action to protect the unprotected and the vulnerable.
• Think of yourself in the future tense: “What could I have done?”
• Find resources that can help you navigate conversations and take action.
• Be “bettah.” Be brave. Small things matter.
• You can make a difference.

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Julienne Ryan Humorist, Speaker, Trainer, Facilitator, Coach

Julienne B. Ryan began her professional career at age five when she did TV commercials and learned important things like “the teamsters always eat first,” her social security number and how to endorse checks for bank deposit.

Ryan studied psychology in college because she wanted to understand humans. She conducted her “field work” in a variety of roles, hearing the phrases “merger synergies, reorganizations, downsizing and rightsizing for change” more times than she cares to mention.

Later she enrolled in an Ivy League graduate school where she paid oodles of money to validate her prior on-the-job learning experiences. However, she did learn to name drop up-to-date theories and trendy psychologists with alarming ease.

Ryan evolved into working in “Talent Management,” a fancy way of saying “try to find people and keep them moderately happy.” With inadequate budgets and staff allocations, she had to find creative ways to encourage her staff to work effectively. These ranged from begging and borrowing resources, improvising childcare, telling stories and even giving snacks as rewards. She tried to convince herself that working a bazillion hours and “multi-tasking” equaled achievement.

Her work took place in cubicles, conference rooms or, with luck, in offices with a door. Occasionally she would make the time to emerge from her allotted real estate to really talk to people. Ryan learned something transformative in the process:

Yes, she was effective. But not because she used fancy theories – or gave great snacks. Ryan’s success, her staff believed, was a result of her uncanny knack for weaving storytelling with humor to motivate and encourage them. Crucially, they encouraged Ryan to de-emphasize “that normal HR stuff” and focus on bringing her unique storytelling skills to a broader stage.

Thanks to them, Ryan continues to collect, connect and tell stories in her work helping people find their “true selves in the world of work.

She is the author of the humorous, all true "The Learned It In Queens Communications Playbook - Winning Against Distraction!".that now includes a workbook and is available at booksellers across the globe..

She is a guest contributor to The Procurement Foundry, LifeBlood, and the global storytelling community.

Certifications include
Accumatch (BI) Behavior Intelligence
Narativ Applied Storytelling Methodologies
Collective Brains – Mentorship Methodologies