A Valentine’s Day Lesson - My Feedback Went Very Wrong!
One Valentine’s Day in a faraway place called the 7th Grade, I learned a few important lessons about providing feedback.
My classmates and I gave Valentine’s Day cards out in class every year. We had nuns in school and they were very keen on preparing us for life’s challenges. So despite all the rules they enforced on a daily basis, they did not require us to give everyone in our class a Valentine’s Day card. As a result, we came away from this annual activity with some good data regarding where we stood with our fellow students.
That year when I reviewed my collection of card, I noticed that Douglas S. had given me a card again. In fact, he had been giving me cards on a consistent basis since the first grade. I was thrilled with this insight.
However, did I just smile and leave well enough alone? No, of course not. What is the good of having an insight if you cannot share it?
And so, I did. I shared this fact with Douglas aloud with others within earshot.
I remember his expression. He appeared surprised and startled.
He said “oh.”
That was the last card I ever got from him.
Here is what I learned.
1. Feedback Goal — Define it and be honest! I wasn’t interested in commending Douglas for maintaining a consistent holiday card distribution process. I wanted to get him to admit that he liked me.
2. Setting — Select the place you provide feedback thoughtfully. Standing in front of Douglas’s desk where he was trapped with no place to go was not my best tactic.
3. Saving Face Matters — While I did not speak loudly, I was not inaudible either. Two other boys heard me. Nothing changes a seventh grader’s feelings like being put on the spot in front of one’s peers.
3. Timing — Just because I was excited to share my data, it did not mean it was the right moment for him to hear it.
4. Mistakes are great teachers — Never miss an opportunity to gain experience from them.
5. Humor helps! I wonder why Douglas never tried to find me on LinkedIn?
I learned it in Queens! Happy Valentine’s Day!
Here’s a few resources for your reference
https://www.cultureamp.com/blog/how-to-give-effective-feedback
https://hbr.org/2022/06/the-right-way-to-process-feedback
https://www.indeed.com/career-advice/career-development/positive-feedback-examples
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Julienne B. Ryan began her professional career at age five when she did TV commercials and learned important things like “the teamsters always eat first,” her social security number and how to endorse checks for bank deposit.
Ryan studied psychology in college because she wanted to understand humans. She conducted her “field work” in a variety of roles, hearing the phrases “merger synergies, reorganizations, downsizing and rightsizing for change” more times than she cares to mention.
Later she enrolled in an Ivy League graduate school where she paid oodles of money to validate her prior on-the-job learning experiences. However, she did learn to name drop up-to-date theories and trendy psychologists with alarming ease.
Ryan evolved into working in “Talent Management,” a fancy way of saying “try to find people and keep them moderately happy.” With inadequate budgets and staff allocations, she had to find creative ways to encourage her staff to work effectively. These ranged from begging and borrowing resources, improvising childcare, telling stories and even giving snacks as rewards. She tried to convince herself that working a bazillion hours and “multi-tasking” equaled achievement.
Her work took place in cubicles, conference rooms or, with luck, in offices with a door. Occasionally she would make the time to emerge from her allotted real estate to really talk to people. Ryan learned something transformative in the process:
Yes, she was effective. But not because she used fancy theories – or gave great snacks. Ryan’s success, her staff believed, was a result of her uncanny knack for weaving storytelling with humor to motivate and encourage them. Crucially, they encouraged Ryan to de-emphasize “that normal HR stuff” and focus on bringing her unique storytelling skills to a broader stage.
Thanks to them, Ryan continues to collect, connect and tell stories in her work helping people find their “true selves in the world of work.
She is the author of the humorous, all true "The Learned It In Queens Communications Playbook - Winning Against Distraction!".that now includes a workbook and is available at booksellers across the globe..
She is a guest contributor to The Procurement Foundry, LifeBlood, and the global storytelling community.
Certifications include
Accumatch (BI) Behavior Intelligence
Narativ Applied Storytelling Methodologies
Collective Brains – Mentorship Methodologies
