Photo by Natalia Blauth for Unsplash+
In traditional societies (or so we imagine), the oldest generation was cared for by Family members of the succeeding generation. An elder who had no family to care for them was an anomaly.
Anomaly no more. In the U.S. today, one of every five persons aged 50 or older is living alone, according to AARP. By aged 75 and up, it’s one out of two. AARP defines solo agers as people who are not married, don’t have living children, and live alone.
Beyond that definition, millions more older adults do not live near adult children or other family members, or have strained Relationships that deter them from asking for support.
Not that there’s anything wrong with living alone. Actually, the overwhelming majority of solo agers are quite happy with their situation. In the AARP study, solo agers agreed living on your own can be quite satisfying.
“Aging alone isn’t a problem to be solved,” argues Cathy Goodwin, a solo ager herself and the author of When I Get Old I Plan to be a Bitch. “I personally believe I’ve aged better because I’m not surrounded by family. I stay strong precisely because there’s no one for me to lean on. I manage my own Health and make my own decisions.”
Hurray for independence! Nothing could be more American.
However.
There will come a time, unfortunately, when our Aging bodies will force nearly all of us to forfeit our independence and rely on others for help with everyday tasks, meals, and medicines. When that day comes, I for one would strongly prefer not to depend upon the kindness of strangers.
Which is why solo agers would be wise to plan ahead for this eventuality, in two ways. First, get your legal documents in order. Second, start building your own support networks of people you can rely on when you need helping hands.
Fewer than half of solo agers have set up a financial plan, selected a health care advocate, or established a power of attorney, according to a Mather Institute study. An insurance company study found solo agers were half as likely as their partnered peers to have talked to anyone about financial planning.
The important planning documents are a will, to distribute your assets; advanced medical directives, outlining what medical interventions you want when you are unable to make your wishes known; and durable power of attorney, which designates someone to act on your behalf in legal and financial matters when you cannot. A HIPAA release allows your health care providers to share your medical records. There are forms for these documents on the internet, but to be certain you have dotted the t’s and crossed your eyes, have an attorney draft them.
“The planning piece that is most critical for solo agers is to develop and maintain a social network,” writes Sara Zeff Geber, author of Essential Retirement Planning for Solo Agers: A Retirement and Aging Roadmap for Single and Childless Adults. When you can’t count on family members, cultivate your own “family” of friends and neighbors.
“Cultivate” is the key word. A social network does not take shape by accident. It requires initiative to make friends and build close relationships. (Men, generally speaking, have a harder time taking the first step.) People who have friendship potential show up in your life when you take classes, attend performances, join book groups, and engage in other activities you enjoy. Being open to neighbors and people you interact with regularly at stores and shops also can lead to long-term friendships.
Most solo agers know this instinctively. “The loneliest aren’t those who never married or had kids,” says Neal K. Shah, CEO of Care Yaya, a home healthcare company. “These people often build networks and made plans. The most isolated are those whose adult children moved away and are still waiting by phones that rarely ring.”
Fortunately, there are excellent resources for solo agers, however they are defined.
The Navigating Solo Network is a national website, network, and online clearinghouse providing access to books and articles, videos and podcasts, research and reports, and local resources to help solo agers thrive. It also sells a planning workbook, sponsors an eight-week course, and offers online and in-person events to build community.
DOROT, a New York-based organization with a 50-year history of helping solo agers, has been an innovator in healthy aging, intergenerational programming, and volunteerism. Its flagship program, “Aging Alone Together,” is a six-week course offered online that outlines positive, practical ways for older adults to prepare for their futures.
If you’re aging alone, enjoy all the benefits of independence but prepare well for the day when independence is no longer a choice.
