By Jerry Zezima I’m for the birds. Unfortunately, they’re not for me. That was sadly evident after I took part in the Great Backyard Bird Count, a worldwide annual program in which gullible humans are tasked with counting the birds in their bathrooms. Sorry, I mean their backyards. After four days of looking up, which […]

By Jerry Zezima At the risk of throwing myself under the bus, which isn’t much of a risk because the bus is stopped, I plead guilty to passing a stopped school bus. I couldn’t believe I had done something so stupid — and I do stupid things all the time — because I don’t text […]

By Jerry Zezima Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the dumbest of them all? The answer was painfully obvious — because I hit my thumb with a hammer — when I tried to hang a mirror on the family room wall. The trouble began when my wife, Sue, brought home a mirror she bought in […]

By Jerry Zezima When I was a kid, I knew all the dinosaurs — not personally, of course, because they were extinct by then and woolly mammoths roamed the earth. But I was a fan of such prehistoric stars as brontosaurus, tyrannosaurus and especially Raquel Welch, who wore a cavewoman bikini in one of my […]

By Jerry Zezima In my hands, which are big and clumsy, tools are dangerous weapons, which is why I generally avoid using saws, hammers, drills and other menacing objects that could slice off a finger, crush a thumb, pummel a palm or otherwise destroy my hands. So imagine my surprise and delight to find out […]

By Jerry Zezima I am not one to make blanket statements, but I will make one now: We have enough blankets in our house to cover the Green Bay Packers. At last count, which entailed going to every room with a calculator (I could have used a pedometer, too), there were 17 blankets scattered about […]

By Jerry Zezima I am frequently in the dark, so I don’t have to go out on a limb to say that the limb that recently fell on our power lines left me in a scary place: The bathroom. Which was dark. That’s because the power had gone out. It happened at 3 a.m. I […]

By Jerry Zezima I like to think outside the box, mainly because I can’t fit inside the box. And even if I could, I would suffocate. That’s why I have never believed that the check is in the mail — unless it’s one of the checks I have to write so I can pay all […]

By Jerry Zezima On a December eve, very recently, I stood outside in the cold darkness dressed in my pajamas — and not for the first time, for I frequently go out in my PJs, much to the consternation of neighbors, shopkeepers and, not least of all, the police. Anyway, there I waited, amid a […]

By Jerry Zezima Since I am in the holiday spirit (and, having just consumed a mug of hot toddy, a glass of eggnog and a nip of cheer, the holiday spirits are in me), I have decided to follow in that great tradition of boring everyone silly by writing a Christmas letter. That is why […]