What if the thing getting in the way of your sex life isn't a physical problem — it's a protective one?
In this solo episode, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Todd Creager takes a candid, grounded look at what happens when your inner critic shows up in the bedroom. Whether it sounds like Am I good enough? Is my partner enjoying this? or it shows up as numbness, avoidance, or a total loss of desire — Todd explains that these aren't failures. They're protective responses doing a job.
Using Internal Family Systems (IFS), Todd breaks down two types of protective parts that commonly interfere with sexual Intimacy. The manager is the critical voice constantly scanning for what could go wrong, trying to protect you from shame, inadequacy, or humiliation. The firefighter is the part that numbs out, dissociates, or finds every possible reason to avoid sex altogether — because if you never show up, you never have to feel exposed.
Both are trying to shield you from older wounds: the fear of not being good enough, the memory of embarrassment, or the quiet belief that you're somehow less than. And because desire and the inner critic can't occupy the same space at the same time, understanding what's running interference is the real starting point for change.
Todd also introduces EMDR — Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing — as a therapeutic tool that can help people access and process the older memories keeping these protective parts on high alert. When those memories are worked through, the protective parts don't have to work as hard, and your natural desire and arousal have room to return — not through willpower, but through healing.
If you've been struggling with performance Anxiety, sexual avoidance, or feeling disconnected from your partner in the bedroom, this episode offers a way to approach it with curiosity rather than judgment.
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Check out my complete program “From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving” for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass
Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT
Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach. He provides relationship Coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach. (714) 848-2288.
You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at: https://toddcreager.com
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