Is jealousy making you feel out of control — or controlling? Before you try to talk yourself out of it, it's worth understanding what it's actually doing for you.
In this solo episode, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Todd Creager takes an honest, compassionate look at jealousy — not as a character flaw or a red flag, but as a protective response rooted in older, unhealed pain. If your partner mentions a coworker and your chest tightens, or a liked photo on social media sends your mind into overdrive, this episode speaks directly to what's happening beneath that reaction.
Drawing on Internal Family Systems (IFS) — a framework that recognizes we all carry different “parts” of ourselves — Todd explains that jealousy is rarely about the present moment. It's a protective part standing guard over a much older wound: the early learning that Love can be taken away, that you can be made to feel unimportant, invisible, or replaced.
Todd walks through two specific types of protective responses that show up when jealousy hits. The first is the manager — the part that watches, checks, scans for threats, reads texts over your partner's shoulder, and keeps a quiet inventory of who they spend time with. The second is the firefighter — the part that reacts, explodes, accuses, or shuts down just to stop an unbearable feeling. Both are trying to prevent pain, even when the behaviors are causing damage.
The shift Todd offers isn't about pushing jealousy away. It's about bringing curiosity and compassion toward the part of you that's scared — so you can stop reacting from fear and start communicating from your whole, settled self. When you understand that jealousy's intent is always protective, you gain options you didn't have before. You stop being run by your past and create real space for a different kind of relationship.
Whether you're the one struggling with jealousy or you're on the receiving end of a partner's reactions, this episode gives you a way to see it differently — and work with it rather than against it.
If this resonates with you or someone you know, share this episode. Todd reads and responds to comments, and he'd love to hear from you.
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Check out my complete program “From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving” for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass
Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT
Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach. He provides relationship Coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach. (714) 848-2288.
You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at: https://toddcreager.com
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