One of the least talked-about effects of Grief is what it does to your sense of self. The qualities you relied on — your ability to make decisions, stay organized, show up for people, feel capable — can feel completely out of reach when you are grieving. This is not a personal failing. It is one of grief’s most disorienting effects, and in Episode 5 of the GRIEF Ladies Podcast, Karyn and Kelly explain why self-esteem in grief deserves far more attention than it typically gets.

How does grief affect self-esteem?

Grief changes the way you see yourself — sometimes in ways you do not even notice until you are already deep in the cycle. You are not as productive as you used to be. Decisions feel impossible. You feel foggy, unmotivated, unlike yourself. And then you feel bad about feeling that way, which makes it harder to get things done, which makes you feel worse. Karyn describes it as a loop that is very easy to fall into and very hard to climb out of without understanding what is actually happening.

Part of what makes this so destabilizing is how much of our identity is tied to the people in our lives. The person who died may have been the one who told you that you looked good, talked you through hard decisions, or simply believed in you in ways you took for granted. When they die, those things disappear too — and you may not even realize how much of your sense of self was quietly held up by their presence.

Identity disruption — the loss of roles, Relationships, and self-perception tied to the deceased — is consistently identified in bereavement research as a core feature of grief, distinct from Depression. Rebuilding a coherent sense of self is considered a central task of adaptation after loss. (Sources: Bonanno, G.; identity and meaning-making in bereavement literature)

What can you do when you no longer recognize yourself?

The first step, Karyn and Kelly say, is simply noticing — without judgment. What thoughts are you having about yourself? Where do you feel like you are falling short? What story are you telling yourself about who you are now and what you did or didn’t do? Most of the time these thoughts are running on autopilot, and awareness is what makes it possible to interrupt them.

The harder truth is that you do not have to believe everything you think. The story grief tells about you is not the whole truth — but it takes time, and often the right support, to start seeing that clearly.

Karyn and Kelly talk through what this looks like in practice, and what tools can actually help, in the full episode: Listen to Episode 5 of the GRIEF Ladies Podcast → LINK: https://youtu.be/x3BKKoWBPv4?si=6AAFU7TkA0U-RMjN 

Keep Reading

• Is It Normal to Feel Angry, Guilty, and Resentful When You’re Grieving? → LINK: — The first half of this topic: the “ugly” Emotions of grief and why they are more normal than you think.

• Why Do Relationships Feel So Different After Someone Dies? → LINK:  — Episode 4 on navigating the relationships that shift after loss.

• What Is the G.R.I.E.F. Framework and How Does It Work? → LINK: — An overview of all five pillars and the thinking behind this approach.

Kelly Daugherty The GRIEF Ladies

The GRIEF Ladies grew from decades of clinical work, community building, and lived experience. It isn’t a checklist to “get over it.” It’s a path you can re-enter on the hardest days and the ordinary ones.

Kelly Daugherty from Center for Informed Grief and Karyn Arnold of Grief in Common first connected when Kelly was leading a collaborative grief book project and posted in a Facebook group looking for authors. Karyn responded, and from their very first conversation, the connection was instant. They discovered a shared passion for supporting grieving individuals and striking similarities in their approaches and professional paths. Both had worked in hospice, and both believed that there are practical tools that can truly help support someone on their grief journey.

That first book became The Grief Experience: Tools for Acceptance, Resilience, and Connection. From there, their collaboration grew naturally. What began with one project has blossomed into an ongoing partnership including building frameworks, workshops, and now the GRIEF Ladies Podcast to help others navigate life after loss with honesty and hope. Sign up for their newsletter to stay informed about their future ventures!

Karyn Arnold has served grievers for 25+ years as a facilitator, educator, and the founder of Grief in Common, an online community that connects people by shared experiences of loss. With a background in psychology and mind–body work, Karyn blends evidence-informed practice with simple daily actions that help people steady themselves and find support. She has guided thousands of grievers through groups, workshops, and online programs, and partners with clinicians and organizations to make grief resources easier to find and use.

Kelly Daugherty, LCSW-R, FT, BCC, is a clinician, educator, board-certified coach, and founder of the Center for Informed Grief in Malta, NY. A Fellow in Thanatology, Kelly has worked with individuals and families across hospice, schools, and private practice for over two decades. Her commitment to grief work began after her mother’s death during Kelly’s teen years, shaping a career focused on practical, compassionate support. Kelly develops trainings for educators and mental-health professionals, consults with schools on grief-informed practices, and leads community programs that normalize grief while teaching concrete skills. She believes accessible, plain-language tools can change how communities show up for one another.