Trump Rolls Out New Immigration and Education PlanSomeday, in the not-too-distant future . . .
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold policy initiative meant to “keep the smart ones and cancel the subversive ones,” President Trump on Friday unveiled his new Adopt-A-Techie—Deport-A-Prof
initiative. This dual-track program offers expedited green cards to foreign STEM graduates while forcibly exiling “too woke, too tenured, or too theoretical” Humanities professors.
“We want to keep the smartest tech guys,” Trump proffered at a hastily convened press conference held at defunct Theranos Headquarter in Palo Alto, CA. “If you’re a brilliant coder from Mumbai who can build a Crypto wallet and keep your opinions to yourself, welcome to America. But if you’re a literature professor talking about systemic this or gender that? Sorry, you’re on a one-way flight to Liberal Arts Gitmo.”
Elizabeth Holmes, Trump’s surprise guest, cautioned that “an Education is a terrible thing to waste, and that “some things are wronger than others.” Her Zoom appearance, from an unknown location, sparked rumors of a possible pardon in the works.
Under the new initiative, U.S. citizens will be able to “adopt” a foreign tech worker by sponsoring them in exchange for a small equity stake in their startup and a guarantee that the immigrant will never utter the words “colonialism,” “neoliberalism,” or “critical.”
Simultaneously, the Department of Education will coordinate with ICE to locate and deport professors who:
“We’re targeting the most serious threats to American prosperity,” said Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem. “It’s not fentanyl or cyberattacks. It’s tenured elite educators posting diatribes on Substack while on sabbatical in Vermont.”
Trump praised Secretary Noem for her sudden ability to put two coherent sentences together while, at the same time, wondering what “diatribe” meant.
“I think it’s great,” gushed Ohio-based investor Gary Lappin, who recently adopted a 24-year-old neural network developer from Lagos. “Kazeem just launched two SaaS platforms and hasn’t once corrected my pronunciation of ‘Kafkaesque.’ This is the best immigration reform ever!”
“It was great to see Elizabeth again,” Betsy DeVos retorted. “She’s lost a few pounds. Is Sunny around?”
Ron DeSantis, Governor of Florida, also commented: “We cannot allow ideological squatters to hide behind tenure. What Trump is doing is bold, patriotic, and long overdue. If you break America’s new moral code with your syllabus, you don’t get to hide in a safe space with a tenure and a parking pass.”
Meanwhile, literature professor Dana Holloway was detained exiting a Whole Foods after reportedly assigning a syllabus that included Paulo Freire’s Pedagogy of the Oppressed and a poem by Adrienne Rich. Her cat was taken into DOGE custody and reportedly put up for adoption by disciples of Elon Musk.
Hoping to ward off an anticipated assault on political correctness, Harvard announced the launch of two new courses, “Patriotism” and “Advanced Patriotism,” while Yale unveiled its new Department of Algorithmic Feelings, which merges Computer Science with “Master Your Emotions.” Stanford preemptively removed all faculty who ever used the word “problematize” in casual conversation and eliminated all “Practical Mindfulness” courses.
“This is a teachable moment,” said Stanford president J.D. Glick. “We’ve decided to ‘teach down.’”
When asked about potential unintended consequences — like the demise of reading skills beyond anything larger than a tweet or a text — President Trump was defiant.
“Small-minded people call this a sad day for universities, but it is the dawning of a new era for American education,” he remarked. “Thanks to generous grants from Rupert Murdoch and Betsy DeVos, I am pleased to announce the establishment of TITAT, the Trump Institute of Totally American Things.”
The new for-profit university will reportedly be based in a Times Square Hooters and offer degrees in Border Wall Engineering, Climate Hoax Studies, Advanced Meme Warfare, and Trump Terminology—Talk Tough Before the Semester is Over. The school logo is a yellow-haired eagle bench-pressing the Constitution.
Naturally, Trump was finished talking up his latest venture in higher education (remember Trump University?). Squinting at a teleprompter, he promised:
“At TITAT, we’re going to add the greatest courses. We’ll teach ‘Quasi-Coding,’ ‘New Math’ (aka ‘How to Make Anything Add Up, Even When it Clearly Does Not’), ‘Questionable Ethics,’ ‘Greediness is Next to Godliness,’ and ‘How to Love America, MAGA Style.’ That’s the 21st Century curriculum. No more books or poetry about injustice, DEI or woke nonsense. And we’ll only take foreigners who are brilliant and grateful.”
Said one international enrollee from Bangalore: “I just want to code and not get deported. Go, Fighting TITATs!”
Policy analysts observed that Trump’s position has evolved significantly since 2015, when he lamented that top Chinese graduates from Harvard were being sent home. “Now,” one remarked, “he seems to want them to stay—so long as they don’t bring Harvard with them.”
“I think what he really wants is for them to arrive on student visas, study hard, and then immediately pledge allegiance to Trump University, which is planning a dramatic relaunch at a Golden Corral.”
The President insists that his new education initiatives will solve the problems of illegal immigration and liberal arts majors with opinions at one fell swoop. We shall see . . .
Mark M. Bello is an attorney and author of 9 Zachary Blake Legal Thrillers and other legal themed novels and children’s books. For more information, please visit https://www.markmbello.com.
