Growing Closer Together
Don’t just plant to grow older with your partner. Plan to grow closer.
Meaningful projects with your partner are powerful bonding experiences.
Giving back is great. Giving back together is better.
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When you think of giving back, what comes to mind? For most, it is a personal endeavor involving Volunteering, mentoring, or Philanthropy. If this is what you imagine for yourself, this is great! If this is what you are already doing, keep going.
But don’t stop there. Research shows that paired generativity (giving back to a significant other) may be one of the most beneficial things we can do to create a strong bond and great relationship with our partner (Zinck, 2020). What better pairing than giving back and growing closer with your partner?
Erik Erikson coined the term “generativity” as a midlife stage we go through when we desire to give back and care for others without expecting anything in return. This stage was developed with an individual in mind. The concept was designed for a person to pass on their skills, knowledge, help, support, values and guidance to others. It wasn’t developed with the idea that couples would engage in jointly.
However, a study (Zinck, 2009) revealed that for some midlife and older couples, engaging in activities in service to their partners, family, and community transformed their relationship by infusing meaning and purpose into it. This view of generativity expanded upon the individualistic view of giving to become a partnership of giving. The ability to partner with someone to plan out and execute giving back creates bonds that help partners connect more deeply. This is an opportunity for couples to pass on values, knowledge, skills, or finances together, leaving a pair of footprints on this world.
Some couples find midlife and older years difficult to connect with their partner because the joint role of raising children has passed, and the individual pursuits may not match well for both. This can be particularly true for those in Retirement. For example, while one may enjoy reading, the other partner may enjoy sports or socializing. By planning joint generative pursuits, couples can engage in a passion project that draws them closer.
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Here’s how:
As a couple, take the time to determine if an organization, a person, or a project inspires you. Maybe you have a particular charity in mind that inspires you to donate and/or raise funds for. Or, perhaps you have a community organization you feel connected with or even seek to guide the grandkids. To whomever you decide to give your skills, values, expertise, or funds, this is Legacy planning. It is an emotionally powerful bonding experience to determine who you will be giving back to.
Determining how the giving will take place is also a connective experience. For example, will the generative activity be through volunteering, mentorship, or philanthropy? And in what form? Will this be hands-on, virtual, or via a check? Whatever the choice, figuring out the how is a bond-building pursuit for couples.
Maybe you’ll join Habitat for Humanity, take your expertise to an organization or pass on your skills at a community center. You can even take on guiding and inspiring the grandkids at your own home. Donations can be through galas, fundraisers, and events. This might be a time to hit the event circuit with your partner or perhaps donate from the comfort of your home. These require joint decision-making and create a sense of purpose and meaning in the relationship that deepens the connection. Where you give back doesn’t matter. What matters is that you are giving back together.
Rather than just expecting to grow older with your partner, plan to grow closer. This is a time to enjoy joint activities with purpose, value, and meaning. And what better way to do so than to leave your mark on the world for the next generation than to do so with your partner. In addition, while you inspire others, you’ll find fulfillment and purpose within yourself and with your partner.
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Takeaways:
Joint generativity goes beyond individual acts of giving, allowing couples to bond emotionally while leaving a shared legacy of impact on the world.
Research underscores the profound benefits of engaging in joint generative activities, revealing how such endeavors enhance relationship satisfaction and infuse deeper meaning into the partnership.
Practical planning is essential for successful joint generativity, involving the identification of shared interests, selection of suitable causes, and determination of the most effective ways to contribute as a couple.
Through joint generative projects, couples can experience a transformative journey of connection and purpose, rediscovering closeness and fulfillment in their relationship during midlife and beyond.
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References
Zinck, K., Littrell, J. M., & Cutcliffe, J. R. (2009). Co-transformation among midlife couples: A grounded theory study. Journal of the Texas Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, 14.
Zinck, K., & Neel, J. (2020). A Study of Generative Partnership. Adultspan Journal, 19(1), 22–38. https://doi.org/10.1002/adsp.12085
Originally Published on https://deborahheiserphd.substack.com/
