White smoke emerges over the Capital Dome as reported by CNN, MSNBC and FOX NEWS. The United States has a new president. God bless America!

by Mark M. Bello

Sometime in the Future . . .

Washington D.C.— NEWSFLASH — Following the election of the first American Pope, Leo XIV, The United States Supreme Court, in emergency session, exercising questionable Constitutional authority, has declared, due to recent election ‘unpredictability bordering on voter malpractice,’ that American citizens forfeited their right to vote in presidential elections pending further order of the Court.

In a shocking opinion, SCOTUS announced that the next president will be selected by Conclave. The Vatican’s most senior clerics won’t choose a pope — they will choose our next president. In the same opinion, the High Court suspended term limits to permit consideration of former and current presidents for this historic appointment.

Religious leaders have taken to the streets to protest what they call ‘selection prosecution of the faith.’ May God Protect America.

ROME — After a centuries-long run selecting popes, the College of Cardinals has been tapped by SCOTUS for a far more unholy task: choosing the next President of the United States. Locked inside the U.S. Capitol chapel with CNN transcripts, Twitter screenshots, Instagram images (no TikTok due to international Security concerns), and a bottle of holy water spiked with Pepto Bismol, the cardinals will vote not by political strategy, but by divine inspiration and subtle guidance from CNN, MSNBC, and FOX NEWS.

The Selection Criteria (Redacted)

1. Moral Authority — Can the candidate make us feel like sinners, but in a good way?
2. Global Appeal — Does the world admire the candidate, or at least pretend to?
3. Ritual Gravitas — Can the candidate deliver a speech with enough solemnity to convince people something important just happened?
4. Mystique — Must be relatable, but not like… too relatable.
5. Theological Flexibility — Must contradict oneself so artfully it feels like scripture.

 The Leading Candidates:

Barack Obama — The Jesuit Whisperer

“Blessed are the speechwriters, for they shall inherit the teleprompter.”

Pros:

• Speaks in long-winded metaphors.
• Wears a suit like a cassock.
• Has inspired entire stadiums of authoritarians to weep.

Cons:

• Too intellectual. Might make encyclicals sound like book club assignments.
• Tendency to pause dramatically mid-sentence… for emphasis.

Verdict: Strongly in the mix. The smoke started turning gray when someone quoted his 2004 DNC speech and burst into tears.

Joe Biden — The Accidental Mystic

“My son Beau once said…”  “Look, here’s the deal, folks.”

Pros:

• Speaks in strange tongues . . . unintentionally.
• Carries a rosary like a weaponized memory.
• Radiates a comforting fog of combined decency and confusion.

 Cons:

• Theologically sound—chronologically challenged.
• Often shakes hands with and smells the hair of invisible saints.

Verdict: Strong second-ballot potential. Has that lovable Saint Anthony energy: loses things but usually finds his way back. Possibly too old.

George W. Bush — The Penitent Inarticulate Texan

“Fool me once, shame on . . . well . . . you can’t get fooled again.”

Pros:

• Has done penance . . . in oils and acrylics.
• Talks about faith like it’s a Labrador Retriever.
• A bishop once cried during his painting of a beagle.

 Cons:

• Cardinal Ratzinger once screamed “No more Texans!” from the crypt.
• Once said “nucular” in a homily.

Verdict: Wildcard. The Conclave’s “surprise from the Americas.” May snag Texan vote, but likely to stall after a few ballots.

Donald J. Trump — The Schismatic Emperor

“I alone can consecrate.”

Pros:

•  Unwavering loyalty from his sect.
• Plans to rebrand the Vatican as “The Mar-a-Lago See.”
• Will replace incense with gold-dusted Big Macs.
• Promises to Help America (be) Holy Again, aka “HaHa”

Cons:

• Demanded new title of “Your Holiness Plus-Plus.”
• Declared the Sistine Chapel’s ceiling overrated and lacking his glorious image, like Mount Rushmore.
• Seeks the presidency and the papacy.
• Claims white smoke isn’t “quite white enough.”

Verdict: First to be excommunicated. Cardinals issue double-black smoke and activate emergency sprinklers. Vatican security alerted on rumors that candidate won’t accept the Conclave’s outcome and might cheerlead some sort of uprising. This is a developing story.

Other Candidates Considered and Dismissed:

• Jimmy Fallon — Rejected for laughing during the Nicene Creed.
• Stephen Colbert — Too self-aware and too Catholic. Made everyone uncomfortable.
• Jon Stewart — Cardinals admired his moral Clarity—could not condone consistent sarcasm as a governing style.
• Jimmy Kimmel — Said to possess papal-level smirking, but not the gravitas. Voted “Most Likely to Canonize Matt Damon.”
• Kanye West — Made it to the chapel, claimed he was the chapel, then left to design cassocks. Declared too “Trump-like—we are already considering a similar character.”
• Elon Musk — Proposal to convert the Vatican into a SpaceX launchpad was considered disqualifying. Negatives like those of Kanye West.
• The Rock — Strong support but withdrew when informed that vestments were not sleeveless.
• Taylor Swift — Not a serious candidate. Cardinals worried about fanbase schism and potential “Trump-like cult issues.”

Secret Underground Papal Primary:

• Oprah Winfrey — Declared herself “merely a vessel for the Spirit” before levitating six feet off the ground. Disqualified for being too persuasive.
• Mark Cuban — Pitched a pay-for-play subscription-based salvation plan. Cardinals were confused but intrigued.
• AI Pope — Considered too “human.”
• Nikki Haley — First supported Bush, then Trump, then Oprah, then entered the primary herself, then withdrew, re-entered, withdrew again, and publicly denied everything.
• Pete Buttigieg—Dismissed not for being gay but for attempting to beta-test the Holy See as a rideshare service.

Leaked Campaign Poster Slogans:

• Oprah 2025: You Get Redemption! And YOU Get Redemption!
• AI Pope: Infallible . . . in Seconds.
• Mark Cuban: Because Heaven Needs a Shark.
• Taylor Swift: Well-Red (for Swiftees only).
• Pete Buttigieg: Relax and Leave the Driving to Us.

The Vote:

After five ballots, a voice emerges from the heavens on NPR and Voice of America. The decision is clear: Barack Obama is elected Papa POTUS I.

He accepts with a solemn nod, a 45-minute homily, and a limited-edition memoir titled Audacity of Hope II: Conclave Edition.

Postscript: A Warning from Rome

SCOTUS and the Vatican confirm the Presidential Conclave will not be repeated, citing:

• Participants’ spiritual and political exhaustion. The Cardinals did not expect to have to deal with lobbyists.
• Multiple Swiss Guards resigned to become Yoga instructors.
• Irreconcilable theological differences with the Electoral College and the extreme wings of each party.

One exhausted cardinal was heard whispering: “This is why we haven’t let Americans into the Curia . . . until now.”

Mark M. Bello is an attorney and author of 9 Zachary Blake Legal Thrillers and other legal themed novels and children’s books. Please visit  https://www.markmbello.com for more info. 

Bob Gatty Author, Podcaster, Blogger

For many years, Bob Gatty worked as a writer, editor, and communications consultant, based on the Washington, DC area with a focus on government and politics. He began at The Pittsburgh Courier, an African American weekly, covering crime and the courts. His salary was $55 per week before moving on to two local Pennsylvania dailies. At age 24, he began reporting for United Press International covering state politics in Pennsylvania and then New Jersey, where he was UPI’s state capitol bureau in Trenton.

Tempted by the allure of Washington, DC and big-time politics, at age 29 Bob became press secretary and chief of staff for two Congressmen – first Republican Edwin B. Forsythe, and then Democrat James J. Florio, who later became governor of New Jersey and until his recent death was a frequent podcast guest and co-host of Bob’s NFN Radio News podcast (now called Lean to the Left).

After seven years on Capitol Hill, Bob opened a communications business in Washington, first providing political media consulting to candidates and then freelance Washington coverage for business and trade magazines, plus creative communications services for trade and professional associations, including social media. This work involved articles and analyses of key governmental developments affecting businesses, such as the food and Health industries, retailing, and the environment.

His work as a communications consultant to trade and professional associations included launching and editing association publications, providing website content and social media assistance, and covering conferences and conventions.

Bob retired from G-Net Strategic Communications in 2016 and moved to Myrtle Beach, SC, where he launched his blog site, first called Not Fake News, now known as Lean to the Left.

Hijacked Nation
In August, 2020, Bob and co-author Chris Waldron, one of Lean to the Left's most loyal and prolific contributor, published "Hijacked Nation-Donald Trump's Attack on America's Greatness," a two-volume compilation of blogs regarding Trump's presidency and the consequences for our nation. A followup volume was published by Luna Global Media in September 2024. It is available at https://amzn.to/4ePrTF7 .

In all three volumes, blogs from Not Fake News and Lean to the Left create a virtual play-by-play of key actions of the Trump administration and Congress. For more information, please visit https://leantotheleft.net/books/, and visit Bob's Author's Page on Amazon, https://www.amazon.com/stores/Bob-Gatty/author/B08C7HWXZ5?ref=ap_rdr&isDramIntegrated=true&shoppingPortalEnabled=true&ccs_id=4e603563-7251-4074-b54d-40800c4ce40a.

The Lean to the Left Podcast
The Lean to the Left podcast provides commentary and interviews with newsmakers and others with interesting stories to tell. Video and audio podcasts stream twice weekly on major channels. More info at https://podcast.leantotheleft.net.

The Lean to the Left YouTube Channel
You'll find all of the audio tracks for the Lean to the Left Podcast here plus original videos, including complete video versions of each podcast.
https://www.youtube.com/@LeantotheLeft.