After discovering a partner's affair, many people ask the same question: Am I going crazy?
You love this person deeply — and part of you wants to walk out the door. That contradiction isn't a sign something is wrong with you. It's what happens when betrayal creates an internal war between competing parts of who you are.
In this solo episode, Todd Creager breaks down what he calls the Civil War of Betrayal — and why both the person who was cheated on and the person who cheated experience this painful internal conflict.
Using the framework of Internal Family Systems (IFS), Todd explains the three distinct inner parts that get activated in the aftermath of infidelity: the managers (the part obsessively checking phones, gathering evidence, trying to stay in control), the firefighters (the part that acts out in anger, revenge, or impulsive decisions to escape the pain), and the exiles (the deep wound underneath it all — often tied to old feelings of abandonment that this betrayal has brought back to the surface).
Todd also introduces what IFS calls the Self — that part of you that holds the capacity for compassion, Clarity, curiosity, and calm. When the Self leads, something different becomes possible: instead of reacting from your most wounded or most angry place, you get curious. You start to ask what part of me is doing this right now? And that question changes everything.
Drawing from a real couple he worked with — he calls them John and Lucy — Todd walks through how IFS combined with EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) helped them move from blame and reactivity to genuine understanding. Their relationship didn't go back to what it was before. In some ways, it became deeper than it had ever been.
If you or your partner are somewhere in the middle of this — loving each other and hurting each other at the same time — this episode gives you a language for what's actually happening inside. And a starting point for something better.
When you're ready to go further, check out Todd's Infidelity First Aid Kit — a resource he created specifically for couples in the early, most disorienting stages of betrayal recovery.
https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/infidelity-first-aid
If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives.
Check out my complete program “From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving” for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass
Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT
Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach. He provides relationship Coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach. (714) 848-2288.
You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at: https://toddcreager.com
HELPFUL LINKS:
