Once upon a time … I knew who I was.

I could have told you, even. Pretty easily.

I defined myself as a child of God, a wife, a mother, a Nini, a friend, a writer of sorts, an introvert, (a bit) stubborn, a fighter, loved by many, kinda smart, a list-maker, sometimes wise, usually discerning.

These things are still true of me, I think.

But also, I would have told you I was:

… a manager

… logical & rational

… organized

… a perfectionist

… strong

… not beautiful

… not a cry-er

And I was living in this la-la-land:

“I got this.”

“Let me help you fix this.”

Pretty much none of that is true anymore. For sure I don’t live in that particular la-la land anymore.

Here’s what I would never have told you that I was:

… the managed one

… the emotional and sometime irrational one

… the messy unorganized one

… the I-don’t-care one

… the broken one

… the lovely one

… a cry-a-lot-er [weirdest worst mangled non-word ever but you get the point]

… a griever

… the sad one

… the “I can barely get off the couch today” one

An abuse survivor.

But these things are all true. Even though I didn’t realize it. 

And now I’m living in this reality:

“I need you.”

“I’m not even gonna try to fix this, I’m only here to cry with you. I might wipe your tears and hold your hand and bring you a Coke from Quik Trip with crushed ice just the way you like it, but that’s the best I have to offer you.”

“I am fragile and easily triggered and I’m sorry not sorry.”

“I don’t have time for stuff that doesn’t matter.”

Because the denial of “I got this” and all that other stuff up there is shattered.

And once it’s shattered, there’s no getting it back.

And I can’t be who I was anymore. More correctly, who I thought I was. When I was living in denial. For the longest time I’ve been waiting to get over” this … whatever this is. And get back to myself. But she’s gone. For good, and I do mean it’s good, even though it’s also terribly hard.

And I don’t know who I am becoming, but I do know that God is the one doing the becoming, and I am safe in His hands. And His grace and mercy sing the broken into beautiful.

Becoming,

Angie

(Originally posted in 2015.)

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Angie Clayton Author|Speaker|Storyteller

Angie Clayton is an author, speaker and editor who has a passion for connecting with the hurting. She is a storyteller, and her writing is rich with diversity. On her blog, Framing the Days, Angie shares with you the joys and beauty of both the mountain tops and the valleys of her life and the lives of those around her. Her book, “Peering into the Tunnel: An Outsider’s Look into Grief,” is a collection of real stories, as well as helpful suggestions to best serve someone who is grieving.

Angie is a long-time Bible teacher who is passionate about connecting with younger generations, and engaging with the hurting. She spends much of her time doing life one-on-one with women. Her speaking engagements include numerous in-person, radio and podcast appearances on many topics, including Grief, Grandparenting, chronic illness, and life after Retirement.

Achievements:

Angie graduated from the University of Kansas with degrees in Accounting and Business Administration, followed by her CPA certification

Personal Interests:

Angie and Greg, married for 36 years now, live in the Kansas City area, and they have two children and four grandchildren. Angie enjoys spending time with the grandkids, reading, puzzles and amateur photography. She is passionate about walking out life’s storms with those around her.

Contribution to the Community:

Angie and her husband were foster parents for a number of years. She volunteered for more than a decade at Camp CUMCITO (City Union Mission’s Camp in the Ozarks), which serves hundreds of low-income kids, primarily from urban KC.

Angie was recognized as “Kindest Kansas Citian” in 2003 for her work with children.

Fun Fact:

Angie homeschooled her kids while they were in high school, which was no easy feat!