Today we are going to be talking about how you can respect a senior’s independence and help them maintain their dignity while providing care. We will cover ways you can help your loved one without doing everything for them, as well as ideas on how you can make your loved one’s space safer so that they can do more on their own. Now let’s move on to the rest of the show.
As we age, things that we used to do without giving it a second thought, like moving something out of the way or opening a door, become more and more difficult. If you are watching your loved one beginning to struggle with simple tasks, you may feel the urge to rush in and help, but that is the opposite of what you should do. As long as they are not going to injure themselves, let them do it on their own unless they ask for your help. If you are worried that they may be straining themselves too hard, ask for permission to help them.
Linda Ziac, founder of The Caregiver Resource Center, remembers a time when her Elderly neighbor was emptying groceries from the trunk of her car. Linda says she rushed over to help but stopped dead in her tracks when her neighbor said to her, “You can’t do that. You need to let us do things for ourselves. We’ll ask for help if we need it.” Linda then asked her neighbor if she could help her with her groceries. With a big smile, her neighbor said “of course you can help.”
This story illustrates the importance of finding a balance between helping a senior and allowing them to maintain their independence and dignity. Helping is okay, it is encouraged, but you need to ask for permission first. Helping a senior do something they want to do on their own will only embarrass them and lead to resenting you, which we know is not at all what your goal was.
According to Home Care Angels, when your loved one starts to slow down, it can be tempting to take over and do too much for them. But for seniors, staying independent is an important part of maintaining dignity and respect—and it can contribute to physical, mental, and emotional well-being.
Your job is to support their wishes and involve them in as much as they want and are able to do. Talk with your loved one about their interests and give them control over their activities whenever possible. Let them take the lead and then work out the logistics with, or for, them as needed.
An active Lifestyle and social life can help your loved one maintain their independence, too. Home Care Angels says to help your loved one continue their regular activities like attending church, visiting with relatives, and reconnecting with old friends or groups they were involved in. If they are able to manage it, take them to library lectures, local theater, or any community event they’re interested in.
According to Walden University, independence is not solitude. And loneliness can be fatal, with one recent study showing that feeling extreme loneliness can raise an older adult’s chances of premature death by 14%. That’s why, when caring for your loved one, you should encourage them to remain socially active. Maintaining old friendships and cultivating new ones not only helps ward off loneliness but can also help older adults retain a sense of importance and independence.
If your loved one has trouble getting out of the house and attending social events, you can help them use a computer, tablet, or cellphone to have video calls with their friends and loved ones. Technology is a great way to bring people together when they are unable to be together physically. If your loved one has any interest in learning about technology, you can find senior-specific technology classes in your area. They can learn how to use their own devices with their friends and others their age and it can also save you time and sanity.
Teaching a parent can be difficult. It can take longer than you expect and remaining calm can be hard at times. It requires a lot of patience. For some people, teaching and learning together with a parent is a great way to spend quality time with them, but if that isn’t for you, that’s okay. A class tailored to seniors is a great solution to helping your loved one learn more about using technology and helping them socialize. Plus, once they understand how to work their devices, they won’t need you to help them call their friends and they will be able to talk to them any time they want.
Providing care for a loved one is a rewarding job and you get to spend more time with them. It can also be stressful and tiring. Helping your loved one be more independent, not only helps them but it helps yourself, as well. No matter what level of care your loved one needs, allowing them to participate in their care and make choices can help both of you maintain a stronger relationship with less bickering and fighting.
Smart home devices can also help your loved one have more control over their environment. According to Home Care Assistance, there are several voice-activated home devices on the market, made by companies like Amazon and Google. These devices are a great resource for people with disabilities. They’re great for those with low vision, difficulty with fine motor tasks, or mobility challenges. Voice-activated devices can do a lot of things, including play music, operate the television, lock and unlock doors, control the thermostat, control lights, tell the time, date, and weather, and make phone calls. You can even order a pizza.
Smart devices empower some people to live independently for longer. They allow people who can’t use smartphones or computers to access information. Plus, new uses for these technologies come out all the time.
Does your loved one often worry whether or not they locked the door when they are away from home? Another smart device that can be helpful for them is automated door locks controlled from your phone. With smart locks, your loved one will be able to open the app and immediately see if they locked the door, and lock it from wherever they are if they didn’t.
Many home Security systems offer smart locks, as well as surveillance systems that can notify you and emergency response teams if your loved one has an accident. Make sure you talk to your loved one before having any cameras installed in the home. If they are uncomfortable with cameras, things like life alert necklaces and smartwatches can also be used to notify others in case of an emergency. Some smartwatches now have fall detections that will automatically call first responders if your loved one falls and doesn’t get up.
Don’t be surprised if your loved one is resistant to trying new things, even if it can help them do more on their own. Linda Ziac from the Caregiver Resource Center says that Family caregivers often tell her that they feel frustrated and guilty when they try to help, but their loved one repeatedly tells them “I don’t need anything.”
One suggestion Linda often makes is that after learning your loved one’s wishes, it may be possible to give a gift to your loved one. You can give them a gift for no reason at all, or for a special occasion, such as a birthday, mother’s or father’s day, or during the holidays. These gifts can help improve your loved one’s quality of life in many ways.
Linda recalls one evening when she had a blackout in her area. She went next door to check on her elderly neighbor, only to find her walking around in the dark, searching for her flashlight. Once the power came back on, Linda decided to do some research to find a way to help prevent her neighbor from a potential fall during a blackout.
She knew that office buildings have emergency lighting systems and researched similar systems for personal use. She found a very reasonably priced product for home use, that didn’t require any installation. Linda purchased two emergency lights for her neighbor to be placed on an end table on each floor of her home.
These particular emergency lights lasted an hour before they needed to be recharged and allowed her neighbor time to move safely throughout her home and get settled to wait out the power outage.
Linda has a few other gift ideas she’s found over the years to be useful to other caregivers. She suggests creating a gift certificate for rides to the doctor’s office so that your loved one can redeem them with you or someone else and still feel like they aren’t taking advantage of you or being a burden, even after you have told them you are happy to take them.
If your loved one has pets, you can walk their dog, or come play with their animals, especially in inclement weather. If you don’t live nearby, ask someone in their neighborhood if they would be willing to walk your loved one’s dog. Even just once a week can be a welcome relief to your loved one.
Hiring someone to clean their house, put things away, and do laundry is a great gift for special occasions. Check your local senior center and see if they know of any cleaning services for seniors. Some companies offer free or discounted cleaning sessions.
A variety coupon book that includes services you or someone help provide is something else that Linda suggests. Cooking a meal, grocery shopping, and medication pick-up are all things you can include. You can also include going out to lunch and going to a museum or another activity that they enjoy.
Other gifts that can help your loved one at home can include, a LifeLine necklace, replacing doorknobs with doorknob levers so that they are easier to open, raised toilet seat with handles, and a phone or tablet specifically made for seniors and those with memory loss issues.
Whenever your loved one mentions something that they are struggling with, like turning the faucet on or off, try to make a note of it. If your loved one doesn’t want you to go out and fix everything they mention right away, you can give them items off the list you make as gifts. You can also talk to their friends and anyone they talk to regularly and have them give you gift ideas. Their friends may also be willing to help you give your loved one these gifts, as well.
Regular Exercise is not only important for maintaining independence, but it’s important for a healthy lifestyle. You can help your loved one find an exercise class they enjoy, like Yoga or water aerobics. Going to a class can also be something for your loved one to look forward to and is a lot of fun when taken with friends. Virtual exercise classes can be a good way to keep moving while at home.
Whatever your loved one likes to do to stay active, help them continue to do it and make it part of their routine. Even going on walks around the neighborhood can be enough exercise for your loved one to stay healthy. Home Care Angels says that if your loved one has exercises recommended by a physical therapist, remind them and encourage them to do them regularly. According to Home Care Assistance, regular physical activity can help prevent Alzheimer’s and dementia plus improve strength and mobility, so make sure your loved one is getting the exercise they need.
According to Walden University, physical ailment and/or injury can significantly impact an elderly person’s ability to remain independent. While some of the degenerative aspects of Aging are hard to prevent, accidents are not—it just takes an awareness of how accidents happen and how they can be prevented.
One of the most common accidents suffered by the elderly is falling. In fact, each year, one in every four people over the age of 65 will fall. However, by helping the elderly take simple safety measures—like securing rugs, installing handrails in bathrooms, repairing uneven flooring, and using a cane or walker—you can help them significantly reduce the risk of falling. Other safety measures you should encourage the elderly to take include maintaining smoke and fire alarms, keeping medications properly sorted, and outfitting stovetops and ovens with nobs that are easy to use and displays that are easy to see.
No matter what level of care your loved one needs, allowing them the opportunity to make their own choices is necessary for them to maintain their independence, and for you to have less on your plate. According to Walden University, if we feel powerless we cannot feel independent. That’s why it’s vital for you to ensure any senior you’re working with has a significant say in the choices affecting their lives.
From matters of Health to living arrangements to Diet to exercise, the elderly deserve the right to decide what they want. When you work with seniors, remember your job isn’t to coerce. It’s to empower. And that begins by treating the elderly with the same level of respect—and affording them the same amount of autonomy—you would give to any other adult.
Similarly, Home Care Assistance says seniors have their own opinions and preferences. Encourage your loved one to voice these opinions by making his or her own choices. For example, offer several options for what to eat, wear, and do every day, and allow your loved one to choose. Doing so helps your loved one maintain independence while still staying within reasonable, healthy limits.
Home Care Angels says that you should also involve your loved one in a day-to-day plan. Ask them to plan meals, fold the laundry and participate in the shopping, cooking, and cleaning where possible. Bake cookies together, even if they can only help stir the dough. Let them decide what TV shows, radio programs, and music they want to listen to.
Even if you know your loved one’s favorite shows and programs, they will appreciate you giving them the chance to tell you what they like or what they want to do, even if their answer is exactly what you thought it would be. And you never know when the time may come that they pick something that surprises you. If you don’t ask, you will never get a different answer.
We touched on this earlier when talking about gifts, but according to Home Care Assistance, age-friendly home improvements can enable older adults to be independent for longer. In the bathroom, you can install grab bars in the shower and near the toilet. You can add a shower chair and an elevated toilet seat. In the kitchen, you can store items on the counter or at eye level so your loved one doesn’t have to bend or reach. You can also buy weighted utensils to make mealtimes easier.
As you make changes to your loved one’s home, think through their daily routine. What challenges are they facing throughout the day? What tasks do they receive support with? Is there any equipment that would make things easier? Are there changes that you could make that would empower them to need less direct support? If you don’t know where to start, you may want to consult an occupational therapist. They can offer ideas of changes you can make to the home.
The Caregiver Resource Center also suggests arranging for a home safety audit to identify any areas of concern in your loved one’s home, along with a corrective action plan. A home safety audit can identify areas of risk in your loved one’s home that you may not have thought of on your own. You can also listen to our episode on Aging in Place for more information on ways you can help make your loved one’s home safer.
There will be many times where you and your loved one disagree over things as small as what to eat for dinner or as big as where your loved one should live. According to Home Care Assistance, as family caregivers, we want to protect our loved ones from everything that might harm them. From an unhealthy meal to a decision to keep living alone, our loved ones often make decisions that worry us. If we want to empower those we care for, we need to allow them the space to make decisions that we disagree with. Nobody can be safe all the time.
Caregivers must balance safety with autonomy. For example, maybe your mother is adamant about living at home. She might also be willing to allow a paid caregiver to come each evening for a few hours to prepare dinner and clean. While this may not be your preferred solution, it empowers your mom to live the way she wants to live. It can bring you peace of mind knowing that someone is checking on her each day. A caregiver can keep your parent safe at home by making sure she gets any assistance she might need.
Communication is key in helping your loved one maintain their independence. Sit down and have a conversation with them about things you both can do differently in order for them to do more for themselves. Your loved one may not want to bring up any issues to you on their own, but if you ask them specifically what they want and ways that you could help them achieve this goal, they will be much more willing to divulge the information you need. During this conversation, you should also bring any safety concerns you have to their attention. If you worry about them falling in the shower, let them know and work on a solution together.
According to the Caregiver Resource Center, all too often, a senior wants to retain their independence and doesn’t want to become a burden to their loved ones. In order to maintain their independence, the senior may attempt to hide the fact that they are struggling, and are in need of some assistance.
One way that you may learn of a problem, is when you receive a phone call in the middle of the night. When you answer the phone you hear your mother is in the emergency room, she’s fallen and broken her hip. As the closest living relative, you receive the call, and within minutes you are being faced with new responsibilities as your mother’s caregiver.
Not all problems occur as a crisis like this but instead evolve in a gradual series of warning signs spanning weeks, months, or even years. Look for those signs that your loved one needs help and is not voicing this need to you or anyone else. With open communication, your loved one will be able to safely maintain their independence and you will have peace of mind knowing that they will tell you if they are having trouble.
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Sources:
http://www.caregiverresourcecenter.com/Respecting%20Seniors.pdf
https://homecareassistance.com/blog/supporting-seniors-promoting-independence
