What if the story you’ve been telling about what hurt you, the compassionate one, the one that makes everyone comfortable, isn’t actually true?
In Part 5 of the Shame Out Loud series, host Lori Clarke moves beyond “tidy” storytelling. We often manage our Trauma narratives to keep them safe for the room, but in doing so, we lose the part of ourselves that knows the truth.
Lori is joined by co-host Tammy Valicenti and guest Annie Trainor, a clinical social worker with a deep background in the Boston juvenile justice system. Together, they explore the complex “hamster wheel” of harm, accountability, and the courage it takes to stop rationalizing and start listening.
In this episode, we explore:
The Compassion Trap: Why we often defend the people who hurt us before we defend ourselves.
Explanation vs. Excuse: Annie shares insights from her work with both victims and perpetrators on why the “hurt people hurt people” narrative requires accountability.
The Silence of the Forest: What it means to be silenced—not just told to be quiet, but shaped by a world that made your truth inconvenient.
The “Warrior Queen”: Recognizing the moment you stop “pleasing” to stay safe and start trusting your own inner sight.
This isn’t a tidy conversation, but it is a necessary one. If you’ve ever swallowed your truth to keep the peace, there is a way through the forest. It starts here.
09:25 — Welcome + framing the conversation
09:57 — Annie introduces herself and her work
10:35 — Reaction to Child and Woman; resonance and bravery
12:18 — Self-blame, shame, and the forest as internalized harm
14:27 — Rationalizing harm and neglecting self
15:41 — Naming the shift: refusing to excuse violence
16:49 — Rage, accountability, and the place of compassion
18:30 — Annie’s work in juvenile justice and community care
20:10 — “We are more than the worst thing we’ve done”
22:52 — Victim–perpetrator insight: explanation vs. excuse
24:07 — Safety, weapons, and societal mislabeling
27:26 — Hypervigilance, catastrophizing, and survival strategies
29:29 — Silencing, dissociation, and non-verbal protection
31:02 — Tammy on being silenced (overt + covert)
33:10 — Lori on not being believed and community exclusion
35:36 — Responsibility as the difference between bypass and healing
38:37 — Trust, vulnerability, and connection
40:35 — Children, modeling vulnerability, and repair
43:25 — The power of repair and closing reflections
44:13 — Transition to next guest and next conversation
