Joan Rivers on Aging
I don’t mind aging. I just don’t want to be a day older.
Comedians are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
At my funeral I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
Half of all marriages end in Divorce – and then there are really unhappy ones.
My breast are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.
I must admit I’m worried about getting Alzheimer’s. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke ever and never know it.
I now consider it a good day when I don’t step on my boobs.
You know your getting old when work is a lot less fun is and fun is a lot more work.
A study shows owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through Menopause again.
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
There’s nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn’t been paying attention.
You know you’re getting old when your back goes out more than you do.
Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
“The only way I can get a man to touch me at this age is plastic surgery.”
With age comes Wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.
 You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
Looking 50 is great–if you’re 60!
I can’t wear yellow anymore. It’s too matchy-matchy with my catheter.
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