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Jerry Zezima

 
“That’s the Ticket”
July 30th, 2023

By Jerry Zezima I’ve got a ticket to hide. Actually, I’ve got four tickets that the Connecticut Department of Motor Vehicles thought I was trying to hide. I plead ignorance, which I can say about practically any situation that involves me, because the parking citations were issued for a car that didn’t belong to me, in a place where I no longer lived, at a time dating back to the turn of the century. The mystery began recently when I received a letter from a collection agency informing me that the vehicle in question received four parking citations, totaling $120, in Bridgeport, Connecticut,... Continue Reading

July 30th, 2023
“Headed Off at the Password”
July 23rd, 2023

By Jerry Zezima I’m a mild and lazy guy. That’s the only reason I haven’t been driven stark, raving mad by an evil cabal I am convinced is now running my life and has turned it into one big gaslight job. There is no other explanation for the fact that every business, organization, outlet, entity, agency or group I must deal with requires me to have a username and a password that don’t work and must be changed every damn time I try to log in to one of their websites. I envision shadowy figures in a small room ringed with screens that show me on my computer, attempting to pay a loan or trying... Continue Reading

July 23rd, 2023
“I’m All Wet”
July 16th, 2023

By Jerry Zezima There’s no fool like an old fool who tries to keep cool in a pool with granddaughters who prove it’s girls who rule. That’s the lesson I learned from the little mermaids, whose aquatic exploits made me feel like a fish out of water. My wife, Sue, and I were guests at the pool club where our granddaughters, ages 10 and 6, are members (along, of course, with their parents, who joined using liquid assets). I hadn’t been in an Olympic-size swimming pool since approximately the 1996 Summer Games, in which I didn’t compete because I was already on the verge of decrepitude. Besides,... Continue Reading

July 16th, 2023
“Not Exactly the Bee’s Knees”
July 9th, 2023

By Jerry Zezima According to an old saying, which is reserved for old people like yours truly, the knees are the first things to go. That’s not true for me because my brain went a long time ago. But my knees are in painful pursuit because I recently injured one of them while giving horsey rides to my grandchildren. It happened on the playground outside the school where my grandson was graduating from kindergarten. When I was his age, six and a half decades ago, we didn’t graduate from kindergarten. We were just sent on to first grade with no pomp, circumstance or — what I would have brought... Continue Reading

July 9th, 2023
“Some People Have All the Luck”
July 2nd, 2023

By Jerry Zezima I’m lucky I haven’t won Mega Millions, Powerball or even Lucky 7s. If I did, I’d keel over from shock and never cash in. That is why I’m also lucky to have received a boxful of fun and intriguing items from Luck Shop, a business specializing in the kind of fabulous merchandise that promises riches, love and other good things for people lucky enough not to drop dead upon learning they have hit the jackpot. That merchandise, which can be found at luckshop.com, includes rabbit’s feet, mojo bags, candles, lamps, oils, powders, perfumes, soap, incense, necklaces and coins,... Continue Reading

July 2nd, 2023
“Bristle Boy Blue”
June 18th, 2023

By Jerry Zezima Picasso had his Blue Period. And now, I’ve had mine. The difference between us — aside from the important fact that he had talent but is currently deceased — is that Picasso didn’t paint his bathroom. I painted mine. Or at least I painted part of it. And I chose the color: serenata blue. It’s AT-535 in the paint sample kit, which contains so many shades of so many colors that the kit could rival “Fifty Shades of Grey” for sheer thickness, though it’s not as painful to read. This was the first time in a decade that I’ve had a brush with disaster. In the first 10... Continue Reading

June 18th, 2023
“Martha and Me”
June 11th, 2023

By Jerry Zezima At my age (rapidly approaching a seventh decade of immaturity), I never thought I could be a swimsuit model, the mere sight of which would clear a beach faster than Jaws. But then I saw Martha Stewart on the cover of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, which I bought for strictly professional purposes, and realized you could be 81, as Martha is, and still look fabulous. Now I want to follow in her sandy footsteps and grace the cover of a major national magazine to prove that age doesn’t necessarily go before beauty. Even though I have maintained my boyish figure, I won’t... Continue Reading

June 11th, 2023
“House of the Rising Cost”
June 4th, 2023

By Jerry Zezima My mind is in the gutter. It’s also in the kitchen, the bathroom, the garage and all the other places where I have lost my mind in the 25 years since my wife, Sue, and I became homeowners. Now that we have been in our humble abode for a quarter of a century, during which time we have embarked on enough home improvement projects to bankrupt the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development, I can say with utter honesty and no small amount of pride that I am the least handy man in America. To me, a screwdriver is vodka and orange juice. In spite of this shameful admission, or... Continue Reading

June 4th, 2023
“Air to a Fortune”
May 28th, 2023

By Jerry Zezima I’m probably putting my foot in my mouth for saying this, but Air Jordan, the fabulously successful sneaker line named after former basketball great Michael Jordan, may have to step aside for a new shoe, one named after a guy whose athletic exploits on the playground and the trampoline should be an inspiration to grandfathers everywhere. I refer, of course, to Air Zezima. I got the idea for my own sneaker line after watching “Air,” a new movie about how Nike courted and ultimately won over the Jordan family by creating a shoe designed specifically for Michael, then a young... Continue Reading

May 28th, 2023
“A Sod Story”
May 21st, 2023

By Jerry Zezima I have gone to seed. Unfortunately, so has my grass. The problem is that it won’t grow, especially in the front yard, where a giant oak tree throws shade at a lawn I have tried for years to make green and lush. Instead, I recently made myself green (with envy at my neighbors’ lawns) and lush (because I gulped down a beer after a hot afternoon of getting down and dirty on a patch of earth that looks like it was manicured with a flamethrower). Specifically, I dropped lots of “sun and shade” grass seed on areas of the yard where grass won’t grow in either sun or shade. My... Continue Reading

May 21st, 2023